Cowart's Common Room
Don't know what's wrong

but tonight I feel really blue. Back from a really great weekend. Back home .... but struggling. The scan looms and for the first time I really feel it. I know I am usually so tough and positive but tonight be it one red wine too far or whatever, but tonight it feels scary. What if I lose him? What if my life is about to be upside down? What would I be without him? Oh - am so sorry for this outpouring, where it comes from heaven knows.

Posted at 16th Apr 2008 - 08:55AM   Posted by Cowgirl   Don't know what's wrong Comments: 21

Pipany's Avatar It comes from fear and is perfectly understandable you poor girl. You are both going through very scary times and I imagine you are having to be very strong for Richard; that takes it's toll. You are allowed to have down times otherwise you really will fall apart. Just accept them for what they are and allow them space, then they will be able to pass. And don't forget, you are with friends here, so share it with us and don't bottle it up xxx

Posted by: Pipany on 16th Apr 2008 at 09:00AM

Pour all you like, dear girl. It's what we're here for.
Love to you both

Posted by: @themill on 16th Apr 2008 at 09:00AM

In your situation dear girl, they are the most natural questions in the world. I cant give you any answers, only the Dr's know that. I think thats half the problem, you feel powerless and it is beyond your control.

What I can do is reach my hand across the thousands of miles nd tell you, its OK to feel like you do, and its OK to cry - crying will help you release some of the stress and feel a bit better.

Everyone has bad days, and you certainly have much more than most to feel depressed and worried about. Huge hugs xx

Posted by: ZoŽ on 16th Apr 2008 at 09:02AM

Faith's Avatar I hope all will go well with the scan. Knowing is always better than not knowng. I always remember Susan Jeffer's mantra (The Feel the Fear book author)


Whatever happens, you will handle it Cowgirl.

I took the liberty of drawing an angel card for you. It was 'Faith' (I never lie about which card. It truly was Faith). The explanation given is

"The unshakable knowing of the heart when nothing makes sense to the mind Optimism is an expression of faith in action".

Be optimistic! Purple hugs!

Faith x

Posted by: Faith on 16th Apr 2008 at 09:06AM

Cait's Avatar Dear Cowgirl,

This is another coincidence (which is really just a window into the Divine).

I've just been writing a bit about fear (in bed, have just this minute got up!) as it is the next subject for our writing group. Now I log on and see that you are suffering from this very emotion. Reading your words I can only repeat the cliches I have used in my piece. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Love is the opposite of fear. Fear dissolves in the light of love.

I know they are cliches and I make no apology.

I have been where you are, I still go there and believe me I do know how you and your husband are feeling. And to be honest (as they say in Wales) I think it is often far far harder and more frightening for the loved ones than it is for the patient. Patients often get a strength from somewhere that carries them through something like this (I know I did).

Not knowing is far, far worse than the knowing. Knowing, you can deal with.

But we are all here for you, whatever the outcome. Surround yourselves in the love and support you have from friends and family in the real world, cyberspace and beyond because believe me it has the power to heal. And pour out all that fear here any time yuo need to.

Don't forget to take very good care of yourself,

Stay strong,

Posted by: Cait on 16th Apr 2008 at 09:25AM

Milla's Avatar As everyone else is saying it is fear, it is looking into possiblities of different futures than the one you want. It is powerlessness and Godawful waiting, a horrible limbo time. Try to lose yourself in the memories of your recent wonderful trip, and enjoy every moment. The bad things are not certainties, the surgery went well - is there anyone at the hospital you could talk to? All my luck in finding the strength you need to deal with this terrible wait. Fleabag's not gone - don't write him off yet!!! Have fun, laugh, and go steady on teh red stuff if it's dragging you down xx

Posted by: Milla on 16th Apr 2008 at 09:30AM

Inthemud's Avatar Dear cowgirl,

Perfectly understandable that you'll feel down and worried, certainly wine is a depressant so won't have helped.
Such a difficult time , all this waiting........ really feel for you.
One step at a time.......

You're in my thoughts and prayers
Much love and big purple hug
Elaine XX

Posted by: Inthemud on 16th Apr 2008 at 10:06AM

Toady's Avatar The above lot have said it all. You're not made of stone and you are allowed to let it slip now and again.
Thinkiing of you and R.

Fizzy kisses


Posted by: Toady on 16th Apr 2008 at 10:16AM

Hi Cowgirl
I am sorry to hear you are feeling low today, most people in this situation start feeing very anxious when test/scan results are looming, I always do, it's horrible, just try and be kind to yourself and know that it will pass.
The other have said it all so brilliantly. there isn't much more I could add except perhaps and I hesitate to say it in case it sounds stupid when I say it publicly, that when I wake up in the middle of the night with my mind running away with itself, thinking about what might happen, I stop it by telling myself that none of us knows what tomorrow will bring and it might be me who steps under a bus tomorrow and in a years time it could be me who gone and the other half is cured and shacked up with a leggy blond half my age!! I really hope that doesn't sound flippant but as you know I am in a similiar situation, I think you'll know it isn't meant that way. It's just my way of reminding myself that none of us knows what tomorrow will bring and it will probably be what you least expect so try not to worry, easier said than done I know!

Posted by: Fern on 16th Apr 2008 at 10:36AM

Suffolkmum's Avatar I can't add much to all these wise commens, dear Sam, but I am thinking of you so much today. As others have said, if you didn't allow yourself to acknowledge the fear then you'd go mad. Acknowledge it, let yourself cry, and then let us all help pick you up.

Posted by: Suffolkmum on 16th Apr 2008 at 10:40AM

Ivy's Avatar Cowgirl I was where you are now. Cry shout scream write on purple coo.chop wood do what ever makes you fell releases the tension. You are supporting him the best you can but that does not mean you have no fear or other emotions. Let them out if he's not around if you prefer him not to know but for all sake let them out they will cause you a lot of trouble if stuck inside.A big supportive hug.
I think Faith's mantra is great. repeat it to yourself as often as you can.
Love Ivy

Posted by: Ivy on 16th Apr 2008 at 10:49AM

Elizabethm's Avatar Thinking of you today. You are so strong but it doesn't mean you are not entitled to your moments of fear. Be as kind to yourself as you are to him
Take care

Posted by: Elizabethm on 16th Apr 2008 at 11:30AM

Milkmaid's Avatar Poor you feeling blue, hardly surprising, can be difficult to constantly put a brave face on and continue the upbeat attitude, bound to have moments of fear and worry, put as already said we are all here thinking of you

Posted by: Milkmaid on 16th Apr 2008 at 11:54AM

Exmoorjane's Avatar Dear heart, sooo sorry to read this. Like the others, I think it is natural and to be expected and you shouldn't beat yo urself up about it. It would be odd really if you weren't frightened. But do watch your thoughts - catch the ones that want to leave you trembling and scared and challenge them.
Loads of love

Posted by: Exmoorjane on 16th Apr 2008 at 01:49PM

Westerwitch's Avatar Oh Cowgirl you have been strong and bright and supportive and you have done that for weeks now - well done, but it is ok to have bad days too, it is ok to be scared . . . it is ok not to be ok. It is not ok to wallow in it - that isn't helpful, but you are not the type to do that.

I think as we get older our mortality and the mortality of those we love comes more into our thoughts, but never more so than when they are ill. Yes you might lose him, he might have a crash, he might walk out under a car, the cancer might come back . . . remember Winnie the Pooh . . . and Piglet and the Windy day and Piglet saying what if a tree falls on us . . . and Winnie the Pooh said - and what if it doesn't.

You are allowed to have black thoughts now and again - but only ow and again - push them away and live every moment - none of us know how long we have - none of us . . .

Big big hug to you.

Posted by: Westerwitch on 16th Apr 2008 at 01:51PM

Frances's Avatar Dear cowgirl, I also join those above in sending support to you. What Jane has just written is very much what is in my mind. This affectionate global coo neighborhood is always open to you, cowgirl.

Posted by: Frances on 16th Apr 2008 at 02:00PM

Fennie's Avatar I think the others have said it all. 'Beware of Fear' is very sound advice, but not always, I feel very helpful. More important when you are feeling down and fearful is to resist the wine and other things that sap your strength. It's tempting to have one too many, on the 'who cares now' principle but it's really cutting off your nose to spite your face. Whatever you have to face it's better faced sober and with a smile.

Gosh I do sound pompous! I'm sorry. Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog. Trust today will be better.

Posted by: Fennie on 16th Apr 2008 at 03:18PM

Withy Brook's Avatar Cowgirl dear, I am so glad that you have trusted the Cooers with your feelings. They have said it all and I am sure that the knowledge that you are surrounded by all our love and prayers and understanding will have helped. It won't take away the fear but it will help you to bear it. Having been looked after by them myself recently, I know the power that everyones caring has. Sorry - not expressing myself well - but you are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Withy Brook on 16th Apr 2008 at 05:00PM

Mootia's Avatar I really don't know what else to say, Sam. It's a horrendous time for you - I know that the not knowing is the worst feeling of all. Hopefully, the scan results will give you the answers and then you can, and will, cope. Purple hugs across the ether. x

Posted by: Mootia on 16th Apr 2008 at 06:07PM

Unpeuloufoque's Avatar You will get through this, there is no other option so you will and you will come out stronger for it even if you don't think so now. You have come back from a fantastic time away, do not forget the happiness you have, you are not going to lose him whatever happens you have him firmly in your heart forever and you are not going to let that go.

Its hard to be brave and happy with all that is happenning but remember you have all of us here willing you onwards , you just carry on one day at a time and concentrate on the positive. We are here for you.

Posted by: Unpeuloufoque on 16th Apr 2008 at 07:37PM

Mountainear's Avatar Hi Cowgirl,
I can't think of anything to add either - so many wise words written already.

Work through your feelings, they are to be expected. Cross bridges when you come to them...

Best wishes to you both x

There are a fantastic bunch of people here on P.C. - ready with heartfelt words of support, advice and comfort. Keep writing.

Posted by: Mountainear on 16th Apr 2008 at 07:41PM

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